Truth is, I never wanted children.
Until I met the right person, and I started to see this parenthood thing differently.
Getting pregnant with Jack went unexpectedly quick, but I also had previous failed pregnancies earlier in life that left me wondering if I could even have children. Having a non-existent mother in life also left me wondering if I had it in me, or if I'd follow suit with my motherly example.
Pregnancy itself was quite the journey and it was a constant struggle of bitter sweet feelings for me. I struggled with how my body was changing appearance wise but also my capabilities were changing, and I hated how that felt.
I didn't like feeling out of control in my own body.
My labour was brutal.
I truly had no idea what I was getting into. Especially a first time mom, who does? You think you know... but you don't know, till you know. Ya know?
36 hours of labour, the experience of a vaginal birth without the outcome of one, an emergency C-Section after 6 hours of pushing at 10cm and severe neck trauma and my sweet and perfect Jack was born.
The aftermath of the above was excruciating and extremely challenging to navigate, with a newborn nonetheless.
But you forget all of the pain. The joy I found in being Jacks mom, the pure happiness he filled me with - took away the shitty parts entirely.
Being a mom has changed my outlook on life.
I've learned to enjoy life more fully. To truly embrace the little things. It sounds cliche but this little man has made me appreciate myself, his father and the life that we created more than I knew was possible. Being a mom has made me take a higher level of pride in what I do, who I am and what we can accomplish as a family.
He's changed our world and flipped it upside down, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
But when I got pregnant with baby Finn,
life changed in a different way.
I wasn't completely sure I wanted a second child. I was full of fear and anxiety about what that dynamic would look like or if I could do it.
Mentally, emotionally and physically. I was terrified of the "what if's".
On top of that, my business had been shut down for over 6 months out of the year due to COVID restrictions and my stress levels were through the roof.
I was managing, but with the life I was familiar with, could I manage with being pregnant or with two babies?
After much deliberation and analyzing, Jim and I finally decided YES, this is what we wanted.
We are a strong team and we wanted two littles. We wanted Jack to be a big brother. We went for it.
Family of four was in our future... so we thought.
Although there was excitement around this pregnancy, there was also a lot of anxiety and apprehension. At times I felt depressed. I don't know why, but something always felt a little... off.
We took extra precautions and got extensive testing done to ease our minds. However, unfortunately the tests came back with dreaded and devastating news that our baby girl Finn had rare genetic abnormalities amongst other things, and that we were going to lose her.
At 22 weeks we lost our sweet girl.
I may only have one baby here, but I will forever be a mom of two.
I never knew this type of pain before. Actually feeling your heart break inside your chest as your childs heart stops beating. It's something Jim and I will carry with us for the rest of our lives. Always wondering what could have been, what Finn would have been like, who she would be, who she would look like.
We are forever grateful for the family of three that we have. The love we have between us and our sweet and perfect little Jack.
Being his mom is my greatest accomplishment, and growing my children is something I will always be proud of.
Life marches on, even when our grief is frozen in time.
- Breanna Naccarato