Truth is, I never wanted children.
Until I met the right person, and I started to see this parenthood thing differently.
Getting pregnant with Jack went unexpectedly quick, but I also had previous failed pregnancies earlier in life that left me wondering if I could even have children. Having a non-existent mother in life also left me wondering if I had it in me, or if I'd follow suit with my motherly example.
Pregnancy itself was quite the journey and it was a constant struggle of bitter sweet feelings for me. I struggled with how my body was changing appearance wise but also my capabilities were changing, and I hated how that felt.
I didn't like feeling out of control in my own body.
My labour was brutal.
I truly had no idea what I was getting into. Especially a first time mom, who does? You think you know... but you don't know, till you know. Ya know?
36 hours of labour, the experience of a vaginal birth without the outcome of one, an emergency C-Section after 6 hours of pushing at 10cm and severe neck trauma and my sweet and perfect Jack was born.
The aftermath of the above was excruciating and extremely challenging to navigate, with a newborn nonetheless.
But you forget all of the pain. The joy I found in being Jacks mom, the pure happiness he filled me with - took away the shitty parts entirely.
Being a mom has changed my outlook on life.
I've learned to enjoy life more fully. To truly embrace the little things. It sounds cliche but this little man has made me appreciate myself, his father and the life that we created more than I knew was possible. Being a mom has made me take a higher level of pride in what I do, who I am and what we can accomplish as a family.
He's changed our world and flipped it upside down, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
But when I got pregnant with baby Finn,
life changed in a different way.
I wasn't completely sure I wanted a second child. I was full of fear and anxiety about what that dynamic would look like or if I could do it.
Mentally, emotionally and physically. I was terrified of the "what if's".
On top of that, my business had been shut down for over 6 months out of the year due to COVID restrictions and my stress levels were through the roof.
I was managing, but with the life I was familiar with, could I manage with being pregnant or with two babies?
After much deliberation and analyzing, Jim and I finally decided YES, this is what we wanted.
We are a strong team and we wanted two littles. We wanted Jack to be a big brother. We went for it.
Family of four was in our future... so we thought.
Although there was excitement around that pregnancy, there was also a lot of anxiety and apprehension. At times I felt depressed. I don't know why, but something always felt a little... off.
We took extra precautions and got extensive testing done to ease our minds. However, unfortunately the tests came back with dreaded and devastating news that our baby girl Finn had rare genetic abnormalities amongst other things, and that we were going to lose her.
At 22 weeks we lost our sweet girl.
I never knew this type of pain before. Actually feeling your heart break inside your chest as your childs heart stops beating. It's something Jim and I will carry with us for the rest of our lives. Always wondering what could have been, what Finn would have been like, who she would be, who she would look like.
Life marches on, even when our grief is frozen in time.
- Breanna Naccarato
Later in 2021 we decided, we would have one last attempt at a family of four.. quite literally.
We knew we'd have one last window as Jim had already booked his appointment to have a vasectomy. This was it. If it didnt happen, we were content and loved our
little boy more than anything, so we were happy with just Jack! If it did, we would navigate that new world.
In September 2021, we found out we were pregnant. It was immediately incredibly emotional and neither of us knew how to handle the news. Excitement? Fear? Anxiety? Regret?
Kind of all of the above to be honest.
The entire pregnancy was up and down constantly. Living in a state of fear of losing this new baby, or getting test results that lead us down the same path,
knowing what that would look like and the pain that came with it. Every test, ultrasound or OB appointment was met with this fear, and then a breath of relief as
we would get OK or good news. Jim wasnt able to come to any appointments with me due to the pandemic, so once again he missed out on this entire journey where
a dad should also be a priority, but sadly they are not.
Our 20 week anatomy scan was the biggest hurdle. Once we got the call from McMaster saying that our baby was healthy, no complications, no red flags.. and, that we were having a baby girl. Jim and I just broke hearing those words. I am full of tears as I even write this. We just held each other, cried - happy tears, tears of relief, but also tears of sadness
that we had already cried these tears over Finn, the guilt that we were 'replacing her', even though we knew we werent. So many emotions, in so many directions.
The pregnancy was relatively good. A few ups and downs, a few other scares and a lot of anxiety until she arrived.
And then, she did.
may 30, 2022 we welcomed olivia nora into the world, and she was perfect
Adjusting to life with two littles and a family of four has been interesting, exhausting and fun but never, ever short of snuggles, love and happiness.
Jack absolutely adores his little sister, and we absolutely love all of our babies.